Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Thursday, January 08, 2009
"I'm going to lose weight in 2003, and get back to my high school size!"
"I'm going to get a HOT BOD in 2004"
"I'm going to get really fit and healthy in 2005!"
"By the end of 2006, I will be able to do a chin up!"
"I'm banning all drive-through food in 2007!"
"Eat great in 2008! Only organic for me!"
So yeah. No 2009 declarations for me. I'm done associating my failure with a whole year. BUT I am not done trying to do all of the above things at the same time and actually impress someone with the results.
Newest fitness obsessions:
#1. My Bollywood Booty workout DVD
I was strolling through Target on a last minute Christmas shopping spree when I saw it there. No F***ing way! I could not believe that someone had combined my love of Indian cinema with my health and fitness goals. I snatched it off the shelf. I was so ecstatic. I called my boyfriend and informed him he was getting me another gift- "but don't worry - it's only $14!"
I was only slightly disappointed that there were no awesomely choreographed dance routines that I could bust out at the next party. But I had to face it - it's a butt workout, not Darren's Bollywood Dance Grooves <<wish that existed!!
I'm out of shape (i.e. 20lbs more than I was in college). This DVD makes me out of breath and sore the next day. And holy SH*$ this lady is sassy. Take a look for yourself:
I either want to be this lady, or just steal her eyelashes. This video is a steal on Amazon, though the shipping might bring it up to my Target price.
#2. Starvation - totally getting a bad rap
Though this is very much an offense to people with eating disorders, and everyone going hungry in 3rd world countries, starvation is underrated. I'm not speaking of literal starvation... I'm speaking of American starvation. It's a totally different creature. I guess you could call it "portion control"... but that implies that you just need to reduce everything that you intake into little tiny portions and then you'll be safe.
I personally needed to throw out a bunch of my intake. X it out entirely. No more. Unnecessary.
Of course, being the anti-American hippy that I am, I got this great advice from a book written by an ASIAN. Who better to instruct me in health issues? They've been living longer, and documenting their health studies for THOUSANDS of years. Europeans are celebrating, what... 200 years since the creation of pasteurization?
I got my inspiration from this book - the author is somewhat discredited by the support of leading figures from ....Hollywood. I still give him the benefit of the doubt.
#3. I can ride my bike with no handlebars ~ AND watch TV
When my abs and lats are too sore from shaking my Bollywood booty, I peace out for some nice relaxing cycling. WAY cheaper than a real recumbent bike, this little guy also allows me to make my current bicycle A) useful 365 days a year (otherwise impossible in upstate NY) B) Decorative and C) A conversation piece.
So to sum it up. Resolutions are lame. Purchasing accessories to help with your health and fitness goals is in reality unnecessary, but FUN! Indian cinema is awesome and Chinese zen masters know their sh*%. The end.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
On the topic of Blackberries - Handy little things they are. They are helpful. You never have to leave the Internet behind. The let you turn ANY mp3 into a ring tone. That fact in itself makes them more selfless than any phone I've ever met. But you know what's not amazing? Keypad locks. They are so annoying. Why can't my blackberry just KNOW that it's in my pocket, or in the hands of a small child, or under a blanket being laid on by an obese pet?
Wishful thinking. The real question is, why did I delude myself into thinking that my little Pearl was that smart? It certainly got me into a predicament.
After spending the winter holiday with my boyfriend AND his twin brother AS WELL AS everyone we know within 50 miles of our home, I was beginning to get a little testy. There's really only so many days I can handle indoors sharing Christmas joy and holiday spirit with at least two other people. I try constantly to draw the line at the boyfriend, but he is unfortunately a packaged deal.
So after a day of gallivanting with a girlfriend... and my boyfriend and his twin brother. I am absolutely FED UP with banter. I am craving the presence of only one person. Any one person will do (except my boyfriend's twin), as long as it's in the singular. One.
I offer to drive my girlfriend home after one of the boys interjects with a fart noise. I am at my limit. We hop in the car while impressing each other with the fact that we know the words to Hello Dolly (NO the fart noise was NOT justified!). I plunk little Pearly on the dash an pull out of the driveway. Not 30 seconds down the road I unleash a tirade of pent up rage, all directed at my boyfriend's twin.
He can never leave us alone, everyone thinks he's a weirdo, blah blah blah, why can't he live his own life, blah blah blah, mean mean mean, his only girlfriends have been losers, blah blah blah.
My friend interjects playfully, probably trying to lead the conversation in a more lighthearted direction. I will have none of it. I cut her off. "And another thing...!"
In the middle of a story about the twin and a priest my Blackberry screen lights up on the dash. I pick it up. It says that my call to *Boyfriend's Twin* has been disconnected. I don't even flinch. "Thanks a lot for calling and hanging up, man!"
Ten minutes down the road my boyfriend calls. "Hi. Um. Did you just leave a three and a half minute voice mail on *My Twin*'s phone sh%$ talking him the whole time?"
Wha wha whaat? Um... (my mind flashes back to the "call disconnected" message). Yes. Yes, I probably did. What of it? Everyone needs to blow off a little steam sometime?
I guess the people that successfully blow off steam don't usually call the people they're complaining about to document the event.
There was the brief mystery of WHY my phone called him, of all people. But that was explained by my boyfriend, who used my phone to call his brother whilst I was in the mall with my girlfriend. Why not? He'd only spent the whole day with they guy. The whole last 3-4 weeks, actually. But yeah. Go ahead and use my phone to call him.
But I guess there's really no excuse. The god's of cellular were frowning on me and my bitter ways. I made no apologies, because "sorry my phone called you by itself while I just happened to be expressing negative feelings about you" just didn't seem like it would fix anything.
So I am now a member of the key lock club. You know us. The ones making emergency calls while our phones are in our pockets. At least I don't know any 911 operators, so I'm in the clear.